By: Lauren Chee
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.
A boundary is a rule or limit you set with someone to communicate what behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable to you. Boundaries are a way to assert our needs in relationships. Without boundaries, we can feel uncomfortable, resentful or exhausted.
Personal boundaries allow us to feel comfortable and safe in relationships. However, when I speak to clients about setting boundaries, a common concern that arises is that setting a boundary feels mean or rude. In this blog I’d like to describe a method of setting boundaries with respect and in a way that considers the rights of the other person.
How can I set boundaries with respect?
Respectful boundary setting is all about assertive communication. Speaking assertively means that we communicate our feelings and needs directly and openly. It is not demanding people to give you what you want, but confidently expressing how you feel and asking for what you need. It is also not ignoring your needs to please people but it is being honest with how you’re feeling and politely stating what you would like to be done differently. Many of us can feel guilty for having wants and needs, but expressing your needs is healthy and you can speak up for yourself without being disrespectful.
Here are three practical tips on how to set boundaries in a respectful way:
1 – Identify your positive need and express it directly
When we are unhappy in a situation, it is easy to stay stuck in problem-focused complaining. Behind every complaint, there is a longing or need. So instead of dwelling on the problem, figure out what you want and state your request in a positive manner. For example, if you have been feeling uncomfortable about hearing your friend complain about her spouse, you can say “I feel uncomfortable to hear you speak about your relationship with you husband, I need you to find someone else to confide in” instead of complaining to a third-party about the situation.
2 – Stick to “I” statements
This is about taking full ownership of your thoughts. It is easy for a person to feel attacked with a “you” statement e.g. “You always talk about yourself!” Saying statements that start with “I feel” or “I need” reduces defensiveness when you’re talking about a difficult issue e.g. “I feel frustrated when my feelings aren’t heard or acknowledged, I want to listen about what happened in your day but I also need you to listen to what I’m saying”.
3 – Speak calmly and politely
It’s not just what you say but how you say it. Staying calm and speaking politely goes a long way in helping the other person hear what we are saying. And you can use this respectful tone while still making a firm statement about what you need and how you will enforce your boundary with consequences.
Speaking assertively means staying firm and considerate of others. It excludes any unkindness or aggression in the conversation. But it ensures that you respect others and, just as importantly, that you respect yourself.
It can be challenging to change relationship dynamics by setting new boundaries. If you need extra support, why not consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash