By: Chloe Hart
In today’s world of gentle parenting, many parents feel pressure to avoid saying “no” to their kids.
However, according to Susan Woodworth from Walk and Talk Psychology, “no” is an essential tool for raising well-rounded kids. While softer approaches do have benefits, Susan argued that “no” plays a vital role in establishing clear boundaries and providing children with a safe and predictable environment. More importantly, it teaches children valuable life lessons—they won’t always get what they want, and learning to accept “no” helps them build the resilience they’ll need to navigate the real world.
Forever No vs. Not-for-Now No
Before saying “no,” parents should consider whether it’s a permanent or temporary boundary.
- The Forever No: This is a firm, non-negotiable “no” that’s typically used when safety is a concern. If a child’s actions could harm themselves, others, or property, a clear and immediate “no” is essential. This should be delivered seriously, leaving no room for discussion.
- The Value-Based No: Sometimes, “no” reflects a family’s values. For example, saying “no” to age-inappropriate social media apps teaches children about integrity and priorities. While kids might not agree initially, maintaining these boundaries helps shape their understanding of right and wrong.
- The Not-for-Now No: This flexible “no” is about delaying a request rather than outright denying it. If a child asks for a playdate but it’s not the right time, you might say, “Yes, we can do that—let’s find a time that works.” This approach acknowledges their request while still giving you control over the timing.
The Importance of Balance
A key takeaway from the conversation with Susan was the importance of finding balance. She recommends that parents aim for a ratio of five “yeses” for every “no.” This doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything, but rather focusing on ways to engage positively with your child. When children feel heard and receive positive reinforcement, they’re more likely to respect the boundaries set by a “no.”
For example, instead of saying, “Don’t walk in the house with muddy feet,” you could say, “Please take your shoes off before coming in.” This approach maintains boundaries while keeping the tone positive, making it easier for kids to accept those moments when a firm “no” is necessary.
Helping Kids Manage Disappointment
An essential aspect of saying “no” is helping children navigate their emotions when they don’t get what they want. Susan emphasised that learning to cope with disappointment, frustration, and other uncomfortable feelings is a crucial life skill. While it’s natural for parents to want to protect their children from pain, small disappointments early on help build resilience for larger challenges in the future.
Saying “no” goes beyond just setting limits—it’s about teaching your child how to navigate life, establish boundaries, and uphold values. While it may not always win you points in the moment, consistent “no’s are key to shaping your child’s character and future. So, next time your child makes a request, pause and reflect: Is this a firm, non-negotiable “no” or a temporary “not-for-now”? By using “no” thoughtfully and balancing it with plenty of “yeses,” you can guide your child with both love and confidence.
Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.
Feature image: Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash